Abnormal
by Bella-Mimi
Summary: Manisha is the youngest member of the richest and most powerful family in the world, yet is not all there. Battling with addiction and disorders tragedy strikes, leaving her world upside down and no where to go.


**Abnormal**

I've never had a normal life. You can't really define normal but it's definitely not growing up with the media constantly on your case, working with different countries governments and being treated as a child prodigy. But that was my life, is my life. My family is the most powerful and influential people on this planet, even above all governments. In fact we control the governments; we control the world.

**Chapter One: Dictatorship**

My name is Manisha Kurshaliya, the youngest Kurshaliya. My twin sister Parvati and I are 28 years old and are the best known Kurshaliya's'. I hate being the most known out of my family. It makes my life so much worse, the attention and speculation around me and my life makes it extremely hard to have any sort of privacy, and I need it, more than the rest of my family.

It's really hard to understand my family unless I explain the basics. We're Indian and my parents, Sunita and Sudhir like things to be traditional, but more than that they wanted to appear perfect. I guess I can relate to that as we were constantly in the public eye, and if something was wrong everyone in the world would know about it, and trust me, that's not a nice feeling.

I'm the black sheep of the family. I don't have the same opinions and ideals as them, My mother and I do not get on – something that my older sister Indira blames me for, and my lifestyle is completely different as well as my personality.

When Parvati and I were born, my mother developed post-partum depression, which resulted in her trying to kill me once. She never liked me, and disregarded me off to the nanny, but she accepted Parvati, all be it, after some hesitations. Growing up I was insanely jealous of Paro as she had formed a close bond with both parents. It was hard enough for me trying to get close to my Dad let alone my Mum. For some reason my Dad wasn't too fond of me either. Sunita – I have taken to calling her by her first name when talking about her – despises me and wishes I wasn't her daughter. I am not the sweet, generous, loyal, Indian daughter that she wanted to complete her family; instead I am her mentally ill, junkie, lesbian Indian daughter whom she wants to erase.

Growing up in my family was a dictatorship. Whatever mother said, we all did, including eating. She controlled our eating habits so much that between the ages of 5 and 16 I only eat five pieces of fruit a day, after that I was lucky to even eat. The men in our family got to eat. My father and two older brothers Mohan and Jaidev, all looked healthy, where as the females: Parvati, Indira, Priya, Sunita and I, were extremely thin. Sunita had a phobia of fat females, or even females just of "normal" size, she needed us to be skinny to even look at us. I ended up developing Anorexia Nervosa and was diagnosed with that along with Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder in December 2004, just after I turned 24 years old. I guess my drug habit didn't help.

I tend to blame Sunita for the way I turned out. People who don't know blame me, but I feel that they are just too scared to blame my mother in case she gets someone to kill them. It's happened before. Obviously the public don't know what goes on behind closed doors but I've heard and bore witness to more than one occasion where people were sentenced to death for disrespecting my family, or for trying to kill members of my family. I've had people try to kill me when I was younger, they wouldn't dare now though, that's the good part about being me - I think the only good part - I have protection in numerous forms.

I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. It's not fun, or glamorous like everyone thinks. It's strenuous and time consuming. I longed for a "normal" life which is why I choose to have friends who have had childhoods, who work regular hours and who treat me like a human being and not like a piece of butchered meat. I find people who have lead "normal" and civilian lives fascinating. They intrigue me. Never having had that and knowing that I never will, I cling to my friends and the life I share with them as if I may be able to suck whatever normality's I can from them and pass on to myself. It works, or I feel as if it does...some of the time.

* * *

**_October 5th 2008_**

"Beti," Sunita moaned at me, even over the phone I could sense her disappointment. "You must listen to me. In two weeks time I want you to come home to India so that you may meet an eligible husband."

Here she goes again with the arranged marriage. It may have worked for my older siblings: Mohan, Priya, Indira and Jaidev (who's only engaged), but I know it won't work for me. I don't want to marry someone I don't love, let alone a man I don't love. Besides I have a girlfriend, and regardless if my family knows her or not doesn't mean that our relationship is meaningless. But no matter what I say to Sunita she just doesn't listen.

"Maataa, we've already talked about this. I don't want an arranged marriage."

She sighed out or exasperation and scoffed. "Why not? Is an Indian pati not good enough for you?"

"An Indian husband would be fine if that was what I wanted. Maataa, please can we not talk about this right now?"

Everything was silent for a good 3 minutes, and if it wasn't for her breathing I would have thought she had hung up on me.

"Fine, Manisha. I see there is no getting through to you. But I hope you know that you are breaking not only my dil but your Baap's too. You are bringing disgrace on the name of our sacred family," she seemed to pause for dramatic effect and I could just imagine her rolling her eyes and raising her hands in the air as if asking God for help. Like he'd actually help. "Don't you want a bachcha?"

Bachcha? A child? Me? I can hardly look after myself let alone another human being.

"I haven't really given it much thought, Maataa." Maybe I should tell my parents that I'm gay, but I can just imagine their disappointment staring at me and I shudder in my body. I don't need any more guilt for ruining their lives. I'd rather live in caution and fear of being found out than telling my parents...well at this moment in time anyway.

"Well it comes with the territory, Beti. And one day soon it will happen."

"What about Paro?" I ask trying to take the heat off me even just for a little while. I love my twin sister but sometimes I use her as an excuse or in this case, and escape.

"Parvati's time will come."

Parvati was older than me by 22 minutes and the fact that I was meant to get married before her when I was the younger one pissed me off. I know to some people it's childish and immature but not to me. The longer I can stall my parents on trying to marry me off to some wealthy, famous, Indian business man the longer I have to devise a plan on how I can tell them...or not as it may turn out.

"Maataa! Paro's my bari bahen. It should go in order." I was acting a little selfish and I didn't like putting Parvati in the spotlight but needs must.

"You really want to be married last?" She said thoughtfully. Sunita and I rarely spoke in kind words but today things seemed to be going moderately okay, and there was no way I was going to muck that up.

"Sure." Like hell I wanted to, but anything to keep her mouth shut.

"Ok. I will find a suitable man for Parvati right away. I'll call her to tell her the good news."

Saying bye and hanging up I knew that in a while I would get a phone call from Paro complaining about it, but I wouldn't answer. She always says I'm incredibly hard to get a hold of but in all honesty it's just because I simply don't answer. I sometimes just get these rushes of irritability and I don't want to be around anyone...well that's most days but some days it's so prominent that I can't ignore it.

I like being alone and I doubt that has anything to do with being a twin. I think it's more due to the lifestyle that I have that whatever privacy I have is so precious and whenever I can be on my own I cherish that. Like today. I plan on doing nothing but I have a feeling that my girlfriend, Isabel, might be coming over. I like her, don't get me wrong but sometimes I feel that I'm not built for close human relationships, or just relationships in general. I don't feel emotions well and sometimes it will take me years to feel anything for a person. Paro is a great example of that; I never felt like her sister let alone her twin until I was about 14 years old. It took me all that time to create a stable bridge that I felt comfortable on, and now that I'm in that place I cling to her so badly.

I need my sister, my girlfriend and my friends to survive every day. If I feel as if they don't like me then I need to be reassured that they do. It was only recently that I realised how bad my worrying and paranoia really was.

Tegan and Sara's "Back in Your Head" started to play interrupting my thoughts, and letting me know that I had a text message. Finding my phone was the hard task. I never knew how, but it always seemed to get in the strangest places, once it ended up in the cutlery drawer, another inside the piano. This time however, it had managed to weasel its way under the couch. Grabbing it up at an almighty speed, I quickly pressed "view."

_"What did you say to Mum? I swear I will kill you if you ruined things for me!_

_Love Paro x_

I laughed at how she could be so forceful yet still say "Love" at the end. I guess I had better call her and sort this out.

Parvati lived in England with her boyfriend, David - much to Sunita's dismay - and works as a fashion designer. She's done so well for herself and I'm extremely proud of her, but I hate her being so far away.

Dialling her number I waited for her to pick up, which she didn't until almost the tenth ring.

"Hello?" she groaned and it wasn't until I looked at the time that I realised I had woke her up in the middle of the night.

"Hey," I timidly said instantly feeling guilty. "How are you?"

"Misha, its 1am here. Did you not think to look at the clock before you called?" she moaned yet by her tone of voice I knew she wasn't really mad.

"Well you must've just got to sleep as you text me not 5 minutes ago."

I could hear her sit up in anticipation as to the answer to her question.

"What did you do?" she sighed.

"Nothing," I innocently stated. "Apart from telling Mum to set you up with marriage before me. She's looking for your husband...right now."

"Misha...you know I don't want her to arrange my marriage. I'm in love with David and I really want to be with him."

"I know and I'm really sorry but she was on a me about it too. She was telling me to get back to India so she could arrange it for me. It's getting near the point that I really need to tell her the truth. What did she say to you anyway?"

"She called and started rambling on about my henna and that I'd obviously wear red and I honestly did not know what she was on about," she laughed despite of her frustrations. "You really should tell her."

"I know I _should _tell her but I don't think I can...I miss you."

She sighed silently and I knew that I was bothering her. Every time we talked on the phone I would beg her to come and live with me, but she would never budge. Paro is extremely independent and doesn't need anyone of anything to get by, including me. It hurts me that she doesn't need me, hurts me so bad that some days I feel empty and useless. I've always found that in relationships there is one person who cares for the other more, that person always seems to be me.

"I miss you too, but I know what you're going to say, and you know my answer."

"Come and visit then. Or I'll come and visit you if you can't get over here."

"I'm incredibly busy these days and I honestly don't have the time. I'm sorry," she apologised in her sympathetic voice that I interpreted as "Don't be so clingy."

"Oh, really? How are things going? How's David?" I say, steering the conversation away from my being pathetic.

"Things are great. I have Renee Zellwegger coming over for a dress fitting tomorrow and I have a lunch appointment with Versace, so business wise, things are great," she said cheerfully. "And David is amazing. It's our 4 year anniversary on the 7th and I think he's taking me out to dinner somewhere fancy. I'm so excited. Four years? Can you believe it?"

As much as I should be incredibly happy for her I always found when she talked about David to be insanely jealous. Not that I wanted him for myself, goodness no, but because I can't seem to hold down a romantic relationship for longer than a year, and her blissfulness just makes me want to kill myself.

"No I honestly can't."

"Me neither," she laughed. "It's all gone so fast. Actually I feel that our whole lives have gone tremendously fast. I remember when we were running naked around Mausii Shakti's garden. I think I'm just feeling old."

"Yeah, thanks for the memories," I mumble. Life may have gone fast for Parvati but for me it's been a snail trail. I feel as though I have lived for millions of years, with many more to come. Every minute is agonisingly long, every second stretched to eternity. My steps, themselves linger in the air for 2 seconds too long.

"Oh, don't be so grouchy. You're not the one that got woke up, remember?"

"Yeah, sorry. I should let you get back to sleep."

"Ok. I love you. Bye," she sang off.

Before I got to tell her I loved her she had hung up. This scared me. What if something happened to her between now and the next time I spoke to her? She would think I didn't love her. I had to call her back.

I deliberated for a couple of minutes as to if I should call her back or not. She'd be pissed off, but at least she'd know that I cared. Plus it would stop me worrying. In the end my brain prevailed.

This time it was answered on the third ring, as if she was expecting it.

"Hello?" a rough, male voice sounded out. Obviously Paro wasn't expecting it then.

"Sorry David. Could you put me on to Paro?"

Exhaling deeply he thrust the phone at her and I heard him mutter, "Fucking damn sister again. Tell her to stop calling so fucking late."

David and I didn't really get on to well. He thought I was insane, annoying, clingy and abnormal and where some of them might be true, the fact that he was a major homophobe meant that I really had no time for him.

Four years ago I went to visit Parvati – first time I met David – I had brought along my then girlfriend, Brigitte. He thought she was my best friend and when he saw us making out, completely flipped. Went berserk and ordered us out his house. Never liked him since.

"Manisha, you have to stop calling so late, Hun," she begged. I hated when she conformed to him. Isn't family meant to come before boyfriends/girlfriends? If my girlfriend ever told me to do that I would out her in her place. My sister comes first...obviously not in Paro's case.

"I just called back because I forgot to tell you that I loved you."

There was an eerie silence on the other end and I knew she was royally pissed off.

"That's it?" she muttered through gritted teeth.

I didn't want to admit it so I said nothing.

"Are you on drugs right now?"

"No." I said, defending myself. Every time I do something that "normal" people, as she says, don't do I'm either on drugs or have been drinking. "In all fairness I was stoned last night but I'm fine now, and even then that would have nothing to do with it. I just wanted you to know that in case something happened to you between now and the next time I speak to you."

"Are you still taking your medication?"

Ah! My medication. Paro thinks that the medication I take for my disorders is the best thing since sliced bread and is helping me tons, when in fact I stopped taking it because it just made me worse.

"Yeah...course I am."

* * *

Sometimes it's a good thing that Parvati lives so far away. I can lie through my teeth and she'll be none the wiser. It's not like I can tell her what happens in my life, as she just wouldn't understand. Her life is perfect and mine is just fucked up.

Parvati and I are identical twins and there are only two ways to tell us apart by looking at us. One, due to our hair; it's never the same, and two, our weight. I always seem to be the thinner one. Not to say that Paro isn't thin I just have "problems." People are always getting us mixed up and I don't take offense to it; how are people meant to know?

This always gets me thinking about what the average human being knows in general about relationships and observing their fellow man. People generally seem to be ignorant and very self-absorbed. They think only of getting themselves to a and b and not about the poor woman staggering along the street. I try not to be like them. I try hard with a lot of things; it just always seems that nothing ever comes of it.

* * *

True to my word, I did absolutely nothing today. My friends Ester and Isa asked me to come out with them tonight but I politely declined. They understood how I could get sometimes and when I explained to them that Isabel had dumped me earlier they hadn't pushed it.

Isabel had came over – like I thought – and had announced that she had met a man named Francesca who used to be called Frank and who was having gender reassignment surgery next month. I listened to her and wished her good luck. She was pleasant and deserved to be happy. It's strange, but I don't feel any kind of emotion when I think about it. Not misery, rejection, woe; in fact I think I was frozen. I felt like I was encased in ice. My mind had been affected greatly and now whenever I thought about things no emotion came.

This worried me, but in a strange way I also welcomed it. If you do not feel, you don't break and I'm sick of breaking apart at the seams for everyone to see. Sick of breaking down in tears or pulling my hair out in frustration because I can't find the words to describe a situation. This was a revelation, and one that just might, change my life.

* * *

**I hope that I managed to get the Hindi words right:**

**Beti **बेटी - Daughter

**Maataa **माता - Mother

**Pati **पति - Husband

**Baap **बाप - Father (Informal)

**Dil **दिल - Heart

**Bachcha **बच्चा - Child

**Bari Bahen **बडीबहन - Elder Sister

**Mausii **मौसी - Mother's Sister (Aunt)

**Please provide feedback. x**


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